Jesus Christ, what did I just watch? I spent two hours of my Saturday night suffering through Guy Ritchie’s latest disaster, and now I’m questioning everything I thought I knew about movies. “Fountain of Youth” landed on Apple TV+ on May 23, and god help me, it’s like watching someone take a blowtorch to their own career.
Listen, I used to worship this dude. There was nothing cooler than “Snatch” when it came out in 2000. The wild accent from Brad Pitt, the boxing matches, and that entire Mickey storyline: that was perfect.
My roommate and I must have quoted it for months. So yeah, when Apple announced that Ritchie was doing an adventure movie with Jim from “The Office” and Natalie Portman, I actually got excited. What an idiot I was.
Reviews Are Brutal
Okay, so get this; it has got 35% on Rotten Tomatoes. Thirty-five percent! Thirty-five percent! And that’s with input from 112 professional film critics. I’ve seen Adam Sandler comedies rate higher than that.
My buddy Jake oversees a Regal in Phoenix, and he called me yesterday chuckling. “Dude, people have been walking in asking if we have the Guy Ritchie movie so they can avoid it.” That’s when you know you’re in trouble: when even your streaming-only movie is subjected to theater- level ridicule.
Apple TV+ people must be having panic attacks in their Cupertino office right now. This one is, to date, their absolute most hated original film ever, and that even includes some of the real stinkers they’ve released over the years.
What Went So Wrong?
Here’s where it gets frustrating. This Guy Ritchie Apple TV+ flop movie seemed to have everything going for it on paper. You’ve got John Krasinski fresh off his success with “A Quiet Place”, Natalie Portman who can apparently do no wrong, and Ritchie behind the camera. The budget was there, the locations looked fabulous in the trailer and Apple was obviously betting hard on this one.
But man, did it fall flat. Critics say of the dialogue that it is “driven by cliches and eye-roll-worthy, obvious quips, bad gags and pretty much endless, confusing metaphors”. That stings because dialogue used to be Ritchie’s superpower.
I watched it last weekend with my girlfriend and about halfway through, she turned and looked at me and said, “This seems like a movie written by AI.” Ouch. When your partner, who isn’t even that into movies, can sense something’s off, that’s a problem.
The Jim and Pam Factor
Can we talk about John Krasinski for a second? Now, some critics are wondering whether the world has overcalculated “John Krasinski’s likeability”. That’s brutal but perhaps not totally off-base.
I’m as much a fan of Jim Halpert as the next person. For me, “The Office” is comfort TV. But Krasinski’s been milking that goodwill for years. As a director, his “A Quiet Place” was solid, but as an action star? He doesn’t have that gear.
Watching him try to be Indiana Jones in “Fountain of Youth” was like watching your accountant attempt parkour. Technically he’s performing the steps, but there’s something essential that isn’t there.
Apple’s Expensive Learning Curve
Apple TV+ has been tossing fistfuls of money around content like they’re printing it in Cupertino. Some of it works, such as “Ted Lasso”, which is brilliant, “Severance”, which is mind-bending, and “The Morning Show”, which has its moments. But this Guy Ritchie debacle shows they haven’t learned a thing about what makes movies work.
An executive at a streaming company I met at a party in Los Angeles last month said Apple executives sometimes greenlight projects based on spreadsheets, not gut instinct. Needless to say: big names + proven director + adventure genre = can’t miss, right? Wrong.
The crazy part? Despite all the bad reviews, “Fountain of Youth” is actually crushing the Apple TV+ rankings. People are hate-watching it or maybe are just curious about the car crash. In any case, Apple’s getting eyeballs, even if those eyes are rolling.
When Ritchie Lost His Swagger
Remember when Guy Ritchie movies were dangerous? “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” had that scrappy energy that made you think you were discovering something underground. Even his Madonna-era stumbles had personality.
But “Fountain of Youth” has a too-many-cooks feel to it, the result being Ritchie-by-committee. All the visual tricks are present but the soul’s absent. Critics are saying the characters feel “thinly written” despite the talented cast, which is probably the worst thing you can say about a character-driven director.
I rewatched “The Gentlemen” after seeing “Fountain of Youth”, if only to reassure myself that Ritchie had it as recently as 2019. It’s like night and day. There was so much wit and style crackling all over “The Gentlemen”. This one felt like someone doing a subpar imitation of his classic work.
The Streaming Paradox
Here’s what’s wild about streaming flops vs. theatrical flops. When a big-budget movie tanks in theaters, its failure is broadcast to the world immediately. Box office numbers don’t lie. But streaming disasters can be hiding in plain sight, cloaked beneath the algorithms and the viewer data that companies never release.
Reviewers are braying “Fountain of Youth” deserves to be one of 2025’s worst movies, but some Apple subscriber might stumble across it in, y’know, five months’ time and think, “Hey, this looks kinda interesting.” That’s how streaming platforms can keep financing trash so the flop isn’t as obvious.
My cousin works in content acquisition and shared something that really stuck with me. Streaming services care more about completion rates than quality scores. If people actually watch to the very end, even hate-watching is a win as measured in their metrics.
What This Means Going Forward
The Guy Ritchie Apple TV+ flop movie situation says a lot about where we are with streaming content. Platforms are so desperate for content that they’re greenlighting projects that would never survive the old studio system’s development process.
Ritchie’s not done making movies, obviously. The man’s prolific to a fault. But maybe this disaster will force him to get back to what made his early films special: smaller budgets, tighter scripts, and that street-smart attitude that got lost somewhere between Madonna and Apple TV+.
As for Apple, they’ll probably write this off as a learning experience and move on to the next prestige project. But man, what an expensive way to learn that big names don’t guarantee good movies.
I’m still holding out hope that Ritchie finds his mojo again. The world needs his particular brand of chaos, just maybe with better scripts next time.